Yesterday, a couple friends and I were talking and one of them threw out the question “What if you were about to get married in a few weeks and found out that your woman (future wife) had a past of being very promiscuous?” Would you still marry her?” I answered him by saying I would marry her. I don’t believe she should be judged on her past for things that were done before we met. Of course no one wants to end up in this situation but it does happen. Hey, the freaks and man whores you knew from college will likely one day be someone’s wife or husband. Lol.
There is one exception to my stance on the issue – I wouldn’t be able to move forward with marrying or even continuing the relationship if my woman has slept with numerous people I know and see on a regular basis. Other than that, a woman’s past is simply that – her past! One opposing argument is that a person’s past is a good indication of that person’s future. Well if this was the case, then maturation and change doesn’t happen. The fact is people do change and mature. Things that seemed fun to do and acceptable at the age of 22 may not be fun and acceptable at 30. People learn from their mistakes and grow as a person.
So what do you think? If you found out that your spouse had an unfavorable past by being promiscuous, could you get past that and move on or would it be a showstopper?
A member recently wrote me about a situation, he faced with someone he was dating. The story went like this:
I’ve been dating a woman for 2 months and we have been sexually active over the last couple weeks. In the beginning of the relationship, we had the talk about what we were seeking from this. I informed her that I had just gotten out of a relationship and was not ready to immediately move back into something deep but I was open to see how things progressed. She informed me she was looking to build something but she was ok with what I told her. Recently we had another talk and she indicated that she wasn’t pleased with what we were doing. She was displeased that after becoming sexually active, I am still not ready to jump into a relationship. She went further to say that since it’s doesn’t seem like we are building anything, there’s no point in us having sex anymore. She followed with “I’m not giving it up for free.” What does that mean really?
So I have to ask…What does that mean? Are women really out here giving it up thinking that the relationship will become more serious as a result? As in this case, the woman really views her sex as an asset. I guess she thought that the sex was just going to hook him. Lol. Well women, my view is that sex isn’t all that. Yes, we may like it a lot but it’s not going to be a major influence on a REAL man. A REAL man seeks deeper for things like good conversation, chemistry, career drive, and values. If he is not ready, he’s just not ready yet and that has nothing to do with you. BOYS may tell you what you want to hear just to get their rocks off but this guy did everything right. He told her up front where he was and did not send her down a path he wasn’t completely sure he could commit to.
What do you think? Is sex symbolic for relationship progression or is it just sex?
I hope everyone enjoyed the 4th of July weekend. I had the luxury of going out to Chicago for one of my friend’s wedding. It was a beautiful wedding I must say. One thing I noticed was that his wife had a Muslim religious background and my friend is Christian Baptist. I have seen the two of them together and their chemistry is something remarkable. I have never seen two people who fit so well together but I’m curious as to how they will handle their religious difference.
Before I go any further, I would like to say that I know everyone has different religious beliefs. Neither DMVBlackSingles nor this blog intends to pronounce any religion over another. I am Christian Baptist and the Bible has definite instruction on only marrying another Christian. Now I’m no Saint and I have not always followed the Bible’s instruction to a T but marrying someone who is not Christian is something I can’t do. One other reason on top of what the Word says is the dilemma of what religion my kids will be raised with. I asked my friend who got married on Saturday and he told me they agreed to expose their kids to both religions and to let the kids decide themselves. For me, that route is not sufficient. As the head of my household, it is my job to make every effort to ensure that faith in Jesus Christ is at the foundation of my household.
In saying this, I have sometimes dated women that had other religious faiths or even no religious faith at all but I was in the stage where I was not looking for a serious relationship. So what are your thoughts? Would you be open to dating someone who has a differing religious faith or would you X him or her out as a potential life partner? If you are open to marrying someone of another religious faith, how do you see handling the religious aspect of your relationship?
So yesterday I met up with an old female friend of mine to catch up. We are both single so the majority of our discussion revolved around relationships and challenges of dating. Not to say that dating is not fun but there are challenges when you are seeking something meaningful. She’s a beautiful, professional, and Christian woman. She does not have a list such as Chile, she’s willing to look past most physical imperfections (except for man boobs and a gut. lol), and she has a lot going for her.
So she was explaining to me her frustration with the reoccurrence of finding men that say and act like they are into her but in time they run away. They often give her the line that they are not looking for a relationship right now because they are focusing on their career. Oh, and one other fact, she has made the commitment to God to practice celibacy until marriage. She asked me for my opinion as to why this continues to happen. My first response was that even though they said they were ok with practicing celibacy till marriage, they really weren’t. My thought was that no man is going to own up to saying, “I like you but I have to have sex in order to continue dating you.” I mean that’s cool that a man wouldn’t waste a woman’s time because they need to work toward their career goals but I’m a man and I know if that one comes along that I really want, I’m going to find a way to make it work with that woman and maintain the progression in my career. But she says that her being celibate was not the issue.
So my questions to the fellas: Are the demands you are faced with in trying to advance your career so intense where you can’t fit a good woman into your life? If so, what is your view? Do you believe there are so many good women out there that you will find the perfect one when you are ready? Are you willing to accept that in the process of focusing solely on your career that you may miss out on that perfect woman? Women, have you had a similar situation? If so, tell me your thoughts.
In this episode of “Truth Paste,” James Hannah addresses what he considers a serious phenomena among women in the dating arena: average women walking around with dime mentalities. According to James, a lot of women are using the number of men who approach them as a barometer for how hot they are. As a result, average looking women start to develop “dime” mentalities and demand more of the men they date then what they actually have to offer themselves. But what about those women who are actual dimes but have other flaws? Is James suggesting that these women are more entitled to quality men just because of their physical appearance? No worries ladies, James addresses these women as well. Using Chilli from TLC as an example, James explains that although Chilli is very attractive, she is still 39 with a kid and because of that she needs to downgrade her dating criteria.
Could James have gotten his message across in a less insulting way? Sure. However, as blunt, vain and critical as his message was, I have to say, the man has a point. So many times, I hear men AND women throw out a laundry list of items that they require of a potential mate , i.e. He/She has to be XX height, look XX way, have XX job and have XX personality. However, most of the time, we aren’t able to reciprocate the very things we ask for. If you have a beer belly or a high school diploma then how can you insist that your potential mate have washboard abs and a PHD? To say that I see this ALL the time is an understatement. Salary requirements are a prime example. The other week, I heard a girl on the train say that any man she dates has to make at least 6 figures because she worked hard for what she has and wants to live comfortably. What blew my mind is that she herself didn’t make that. How can a person possibly require more than what they have to offer?
So am I saying that cute people should only date other cute people and the rich should stay within their own? Absolutely not. But what I am saying is that you should take a realistic look at your own circumstances before imposing a list of unrealistic benchmarks for the people you date.
In this episode of Oprah, Will and Jada Pinkett -Smith discussed how they managed to make their relationship work for so long. What interested me most about their discussion was Will’s message to the audience that “Every relationship should have a business plan.” According to Will, relationships must be more than “I like you, you like me, so lets be together.” There has to be a larger vision consisting of what do we plan to do in the next few years, what are our goals as a partnership, what is our relationship vision?
Makes sense, right? But what does this mean for us singles?
I think Will’s message can be applied to singles and couples alike. If I’m dating someone simply to go through the motions with no goals or plans and no idea of their intentions, then any future relationship with that person is destined to fail. Here’s an example. In a past relationship of mine, I dated a guy for one year. I knew exactly what I wanted: marriage in the next 3 yrs, kids in 5, home ownership, etc. However, I never communicated this to him. Then one night, he mentioned to me that he wanted to have kids in the next two years. “Oh, so you want to get married in two years, I asked.” His response? “No, just kids.” Translation: He wanted a baby mama. It also turned out that this man had no dreams of home ownership and was completely content with renting his studio apartment long-term. I suppose the nursery would be in the kitchen. The point is, our visions were completely different. And I see this happen ALL THE TIME. So many people who are dating are afraid of being vulnerable and asking the questions “What are we doing?” “What do you want in the future?” But without asking these questions, your relationship has no vision. You are simply going through the motions and sooner or later will realize that the two of you may want completely different things.
Now if your goal is an orgasm, then this message isn’t for you. But for everyone else, you need to find out right away whether the person your dating has the same vision as you. If they don’t? Get the stepping. But if they do, then the two of you need to set out a business plan. When do you want to have kids? Do you even want to be married? Do you want to start a business together? If so, When?
“Going with the flow” was cool when we were in highschool, but as adults, we need to ask smarter questions. Well enough of what I think, what do you think?
IF YOU HAVE NOT VIEWED THIS, THEN PLEASE STOP READING AND VIEW THE VIDEO BEFORE CONTINUING
Okay men… before you start agreeing with the narrator in this video clip or secretly praising him for saying what you always wanted to say to women on this issue, let’s give his opinion some background. As most of you are aware, the 90 day rule originated from Steve Harvey’s book “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man,” where Steve Harvey offers to educate women on everything and anything that they need to know about men. One piece of advice that Steve Harvey offers women is to wait 90 days before they become sexual intimate with a man that they’re dating. Yes, I said THREE ENTIRE MONTHS of sexless courtship. Unsurprisingly, this rule has caused a movement among several horny single men who vowed to convince all the temporarily celibate women out there that the rule was pure B.S. Rather these men stand firmly by the contention that how soon you give it up to a man has no bearing on how a man will view you. But is that true?
The narrator in the video clip is clearly a part of the “Early Sex” movement. He argues that if a man’s feeling you then it doesn’t matter whether you sleep with him on the first date or the 91st date. Rather, he states that if a man’s true intention is simply to sleep with you then it doesn’t matter when you sleep with him, he will dog you even on the hundredth day. The theory sounds good on paper, but I’m not sure how true it is in practice. I agree that if a man is a just trying to “get it in” then yes, how soon you give it up will have no bearing on where the relationship goes. However, I’m not sure if the theory applies to men who are truly looking for a little more. For example, let’s say a man who is open to having a committed relationship meets this insanely attractive, intelligent, and charming female—you know, the ones they sing about in music videos. And let’s say that Ms. Music video and Mr. Looking for a relationship have an amazing first date. So great that he has visions of walking her down the aisle and making her the future mother of his kids. As he pulls the car to a stop to drop Ms. Music video home, she invites him upstairs and the rest is….well you know–history. Are you telling me that this man will still view this woman as wife material? Or rather, will he now wonder how many other men she gives it to that easy?
I’m not saying that women should wait 90 days (because I know I couldn’t). But what I am saying is that if you give it up to early to a man who is open to a committed relationship, you are opening yourself up to the possibility that he will now view you as just sex. For those of you thinking, “no that’s not true,” or “why would he judge if he’d doing the same thing,” I offer you a little piece of reality: Dating is a double standard. There are certain things that men can do that we simply can’t. And while we can spend days arguing about how unfair it is, the reality of the matter is just that- it’s REALTY.
IF YOU HAVE NOT VIEWED THIS, THEN PLEASE STOP READING AND VIEW THE VIDEO BEFORE CONTINUING
By now, most of you have heard of Steve Harvey’s book, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man,” where Steve Harvey offers women much needed insight into the male mentality. According to Steve Harvey, “no matter how good you are to a man, no matter how good you are for him, until you understand what his makeup is, what drives him, what motivates him, and how he loves you…you will be vulnerable to the games he plays.” For most females who have read the book, we liken it to the “holy scripture,” our “go-to guide,” our “where have you been all of my life?” And men…well… you either hate Steve Harvey and the very ground he walks for breaking the male code of silence or you think the book is a load of crap. Regardless of your position, I think there is one topic that Steve Harvey discusses in both the youtube clip and his book that is worth discussing: The meaning of a title.
In this video, Steve Harvey suggests that men do three things when they are really into a woman: profess, provide and protect. For purposes of this blog, we will focus only on the first: profess. In short, its Steve’s position that if a man really loves you, that he will give you a title—an official one that extends far beyond “this is my friend,” or “this is _______ (insert your name here).” The idea is that if a man truly has feelings for a woman, he will claim you and if any man tries to convince you otherwise, he is just trying to keep you around until he finds a woman that is worth the title. So many times females try to make excuses for being in “relationships” going on 6 months, 1 year and even more where the man will not even claim the female as his “girl.” The excuses range from “a title means nothing,” “he considers me his girl without the title,” or my all time favorite: “he just doesn’t like labels.” Have you considered that maybe and just maybe—he’s just not that into you? Yes there is the possibility that it will take more time for his feelings to come into play, but if its been over 6, 9 or worst–12 months, then I guarantee you, he’s not claiming you for a reason. I too have been guilty of making excuses when the reality was that if a man really wanted me to be his, he would profess. Why? Because no man likes the idea of knowing that a woman who he is TRULY into is available to other men. He will want you all to himself and he will want the world to know that you are his.
Enough of what I think, what do you think? I think that an OPEN and HONEST discussion on this will give men and women a better insight into the mentality of the opposite sex.
IF YOU HAVE NOT VIEWED THIS, THEN PLEASE STOP READING AND VIEW THE VIDEO BEFORE CONTINUING.
For most of you, men and women alike, this question is all too familiar. In fact, I can almost guarantee, that at one point in time, each of you has debated this topic at some social gathering with friends—or maybe even in the context of your relationship. However, no matter how hotly debated or complex the question may first appear, I submit to you that the answer is not nearly as complex. It’s quite simple, actually. “NO.” Still not convinced? Well don’t just take my word for it– ask any single, self-respecting, educated, professional woman this question and I guarantee that you will receive nearly identical responses. Okay…so I’m still sensing a little resistance here. Let’s do this. Just to make sure we are all on the same page, let’s define the term “nice guy.”
As the video phenomenally points out, there is a common misperception that nice guys finish last. And because of this, men are making an effort to go out their way not to be that guy to females. However, this misperception is just that—a misperception. Women LOVE gentlemen. Just ask any female. A man who makes a woman feel loved, protected and cared for is sure to finish first. Find me a man who is respectful, considerate and does everything in his power to show me that I am appreciated and I’ll show you 101 women fighting to have him. However, nice does not equal pushover and oftentimes the two are equated. While women do love a “nice guy,” we do not like men who are clingy and overeager. The key word in gentleman is MAN. Females want a nice guy with enough confidence in himself to not need us to define himself. We want a respectful man, but one who is strong enough to make decisions. And yes, we may give you a little resistance at first, but at the end of the day, we are turned on.
When people ask me why I am so attracted to black men—it is just that. I think that black men have mastered the art of being the nice guy without being the doormat. Yes, they will open the door, carry bags, help me when I need assistance, tell me how they feel, but when I get out of line (and trust me, I will), I can always count on them to stand their ground and have a backbone. Are there exceptions to every rule? Of course! But, it is the rule, not the exception, that is the subject of this blog.
Every so often, we feature a guest blog from one of our users. The following blog was posted by user Flyness. If anyone else is interested in posting a future blog, please email msjackson@nycblacksingles.com.
LADIES
1. Ruining the season for others. Just because you’re not a fan of the holiday does not mean you have the right to be a “Stick in the mud” for others. This includes angry Anti-Valentine’s Day “Tweets” on Twitter! This is especially true for your friends. If your girlfriend has a man, do not make her feel guilty about the holiday. If she is truly your friend, let her be happy with her man and find another way to enjoy the day.
2. Moping around. To my single ladies- I know it’s probably not easy to keep a smile, with constant reminders of “how single you are” being shoved into your face. Yet, the worst thing you can do is sit around the house and “mope”. Realize there are hundreds of thousands of single women in the Tri-State area alone. Spend this day with friends at the movies, the museum, or even at a singles’ party. There are plenty of singles’ events during this time of year. � 3. “Forcing” Love. It is very easy to get caught in the hype of Valentine’s Day by spending the month of February trying to “lock a man down.” While you should remain receptive to qualified men, it is another thing entirely to project your desires onto an undeserving man. Don’t let the pressure of finding love lead you down the road of chasing mediocre and sub-par men. It is far better to be a woman with no man than a woman with a “half-assed” man.
4. Expecting the world (and more) from your significant other.
|Women with “Significant Others” are not off the hook either. It is almost impossible not to compare your V-Day gift from your man to the next woman’s gift. However, in these recessionary times, a lot of guys have to scale back a bit on the financial side. That means you should scale back on your expectations from a monetary standpoint. This year, pay more attention to the thought put into your Valentine’s Day gift, rather than the price tag.
5. Thinking you don’t owe him anything. It is no secret that women typically reap a majority of the benefits associated with Valentine’s Day. However, do not forget to show your man some appreciation…or another woman will! This could be as simple as taking him out to eat, or better yet, a surprise massage using a wooden massager from the Bath and Body store. In fact, anything having to do with Food, Sex or Serenity are generally good gifts for your mate.
FELLAS
1. Showing INITIAL interest by getting her Chocolate or Flowers.
(This is OKAY if she’s already your girl) Yes, many women will LOVE this, but it will NOT necessarily help your prospects with her! Save your cash.
2. Doing the regular, mundane activities.
|Instead of a simple box of chocolates or a dozen roses, aim to do something creative that involves thought. You do not need to break the bank. How about giving your lady a sponge bath after preparing a meal over candlelight? How about a road trip out of state to a cabin? How about buying rose petals (fake or real) and have her come home to a “rose pathway” leading to the bed with massage oil nearby with music playing in the background? For you recessionally challenged guys, write her a poem or note about how much she means to you. Frame it. Total cost=$1 if you get the frame at the dollar store! Add some spice to your Valentine’s Day!
3. Getting too caught up in the moment. Many guys run out of ideas and decide to “throw in the towel”, by proposing to her without giving marriage any real thought. Other guys will say “I love you” to a jump-off because it “feels right at the time.” Stay practical, fellas!
4. Spending a significant amount of money, if it’s not serious! Piggybacking off number 3, make certain that you do not spend more than a couple of bucks on her (if ANYTHING), if she’s only a Saturday Night bootycall. If you start spending money on her, she may begin to think you are developing feelings. If the feelings are not returned, she may accept the gifts, but may lose respect for you.
5. Breaking up with her to avoid giving her a gift! If you’re considering doing this, then chances are this was only a jump off that you never had genuine interest in. We know times are rough, but breaking up with a female around this time of year is SUICIDE….and it might JUST lead to homicide!
Yesterday, a couple friends and I were talking and one of them threw out the question “What if you were about to get married in a few weeks and found out that your woman (future wife) had a past of being very promiscuous?” Would you still marry her?” I answered him by saying I would marry her. I don’t believe she should be judged on her past for things that were done before we met. Of course no one wants to end up in this situation but it does happen. Hey, the freaks and man whores you knew from college will likely one day be someone’s wife or husband. Lol.
A member recently wrote me about a situation, he faced with someone he was dating. The story went like this:
