Comments for Date Talk http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress What Do You Think? Tue, 29 Nov 2011 14:49:00 -0500 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 Comment on The New Trophy Wife by Greg http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=272&cpage=1#comment-2510 Greg Tue, 29 Nov 2011 14:49:00 +0000 http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=272#comment-2510 I believe this trend comes more out of necessity than desire. It is becoming increasingly difficult to support a household in this area on one income. Because so many of the sisters are not domestic, they must work to support a lifestyle that requires dining out most of the time and enjoying life in this area. Me and my ex were I guess a power couple and still had major problems. These women can have their own source of money but there still needs to be someone to be the primary homemaker. That can be either person. The problem is that neither has any training in taking care of and maintaining a home so those problems get in the way. The egos can clash and the problems mount. Divorce rates are still the same among power couples and trophy wives. While they champion Michelle Obama as a new power wife, you see that all she does is champion childhood obesity and no large domestic issue that has her traveling the country and neglecting the home. The Obamas understand what it takes to have a good marriage. That is what we need to learn. How to sacrifice in order to create a good nurturing home life. I believe this trend comes more out of necessity than desire. It is becoming increasingly difficult to support a household in this area on one income. Because so many of the sisters are not domestic, they must work to support a lifestyle that requires dining out most of the time and enjoying life in this area. Me and my ex were I guess a power couple and still had major problems. These women can have their own source of money but there still needs to be someone to be the primary homemaker. That can be either person. The problem is that neither has any training in taking care of and maintaining a home so those problems get in the way. The egos can clash and the problems mount. Divorce rates are still the same among power couples and trophy wives. While they champion Michelle Obama as a new power wife, you see that all she does is champion childhood obesity and no large domestic issue that has her traveling the country and neglecting the home. The Obamas understand what it takes to have a good marriage. That is what we need to learn. How to sacrifice in order to create a good nurturing home life.

]]> Comment on Emasculating Women and the Men (yes you) Who Allow It by Helena http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=265&cpage=1#comment-1983 Helena Wed, 19 Oct 2011 16:43:39 +0000 http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=265#comment-1983 The first woman who emasculated most African American men was their mother. That right I said it your "momma". These behaviors can be linked to the destruction of the African American family since slavery. During slavery fathers were ripped from their families and mothers became the heads of households. Read what Willie Lynch had to say about keeping slave under their master’s rule. Fast forward to the present, women are still the head of households and how many of these "nice guys" are raised with men in the home. Not with a father in your life but with a father there every day (who is not emasculated by the mother, which also contributes to emasculation as well ). A man who is in the home showing you how to love a woman and how to be a man? The challenge is as women we are forced into these traditional male roles due to lack of men who know exactly what the roles and responsibilities of men are. The lack of men translates into two messages for male and female children. For female children it translates into we don’t need men in order to do what is necessary to maintain a household. Therefore the lack of respect from men is actually taught by our mothers as well. For male children it translates into the never actually being masculated (if that is a word). How can a woman masculate a man? I personally believe that woman cannot raise a man to be a man. We can raise a boy to be a good person but how can a woman masculate a man child without making him into the fictional “man of the house”? As an independent African American woman I realize that we are all flawed. Bell Hooks penned and awesome book entitled Sisters of the Yam. My favorite chapter is tongues of fire. The chapter speaks to how and why what we say as African American woman can be damaging. The book is a brilliant read I encourage both men and women to read it. So where do we go from here? How do we learn to respect and love one another without damaging each other . . . The first woman who emasculated most African American men was their mother. That right I said it your “momma”. These behaviors can be linked to the destruction of the African American family since slavery. During slavery fathers were ripped from their families and mothers became the heads of households. Read what Willie Lynch had to say about keeping slave under their master’s rule. Fast forward to the present, women are still the head of households and how many of these “nice guys” are raised with men in the home. Not with a father in your life but with a father there every day (who is not emasculated by the mother, which also contributes to emasculation as well ). A man who is in the home showing you how to love a woman and how to be a man?

The challenge is as women we are forced into these traditional male roles due to lack of men who know exactly what the roles and responsibilities of men are. The lack of men translates into two messages for male and female children. For female children it translates into we don’t need men in order to do what is necessary to maintain a household. Therefore the lack of respect from men is actually taught by our mothers as well. For male children it translates into the never actually being masculated (if that is a word). How can a woman masculate a man? I personally believe that woman cannot raise a man to be a man. We can raise a boy to be a good person but how can a woman masculate a man child without making him into the fictional “man of the house”?

As an independent African American woman I realize that we are all flawed. Bell Hooks penned and awesome book entitled Sisters of the Yam. My favorite chapter is tongues of fire. The chapter speaks to how and why what we say as African American woman can be damaging. The book is a brilliant read I encourage both men and women to read it.

So where do we go from here? How do we learn to respect and love one another without damaging each other . . .

]]> Comment on Emasculating Women and the Men (yes you) Who Allow It by Greg http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=265&cpage=1#comment-1979 Greg Tue, 18 Oct 2011 22:30:40 +0000 http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=265#comment-1979 It is amazing how these women forget the golden rule. And they wonder why they are mid forties, no kids and never been married. They sit at the club in the heals, jeans and Dominican straight hair and wait for some guy to talk to them. Guys do not need the hassle nor the headache from this. The real men that make the good, lifelong mates do not club. A woman who truly understands the terms compromise and sacrafice will never see a man as a doormat. It is amazing how these women forget the golden rule. And they wonder why they are mid forties, no kids and never been married. They sit at the club in the heals, jeans and Dominican straight hair and wait for some guy to talk to them. Guys do not need the hassle nor the headache from this. The real men that make the good, lifelong mates do not club. A woman who truly understands the terms compromise and sacrafice will never see a man as a doormat.

]]> Comment on Emasculating Women and the Men (yes you) Who Allow It by Brotha NY http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=265&cpage=1#comment-1974 Brotha NY Tue, 18 Oct 2011 18:25:19 +0000 http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=265#comment-1974 First it was the nice guy vs the thug/badboy now its the nice guy vs the doormat. The dating game has gone to hell. First it was the nice guy vs the thug/badboy now its the nice guy vs the doormat. The dating game has gone to hell.

]]> Comment on Emasculating Women and the Men (yes you) Who Allow It by Michelle http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=265&cpage=1#comment-1968 Michelle Tue, 18 Oct 2011 03:29:47 +0000 http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=265#comment-1968 While I do think that a man, or any person, needs to demand and expect to be treated with respect, that is not the only way for emasculation to stop. As women, we must stop this behavior, period. Whether a man demands it or not because it we are not just hurting the men in our lives, we are hurting ourselves. We are robbing ourselves out of meaningful relationships and mutual respect. And what goes around comes around. The bullying and aggressiveness we engage in will come back to us- some where, some how and it might not be from the man with whom you are in a relationship. It could be in your career, your friendships, your finances. You reap what you sow and often times it's worse then what you put out. If the behavior of the men that we are in relationships are not worthy of respect, then we should respect ourselves enough to address it properly and then if necessary leave the relationship. We do not have the right to dominate anybody. God never gave us that right. While I do think that a man, or any person, needs to demand and expect to be treated with respect, that is not the only way for emasculation to stop. As women, we must stop this behavior, period. Whether a man demands it or not because it we are not just hurting the men in our lives, we are hurting ourselves. We are robbing ourselves out of meaningful relationships and mutual respect. And what goes around comes around. The bullying and aggressiveness we engage in will come back to us- some where, some how and it might not be from the man with whom you are in a relationship. It could be in your career, your friendships, your finances. You reap what you sow and often times it’s worse then what you put out.

If the behavior of the men that we are in relationships are not worthy of respect, then we should respect ourselves enough to address it properly and then if necessary leave the relationship. We do not have the right to dominate anybody. God never gave us that right.

]]> Comment on Emasculating Women and the Men (yes you) Who Allow It by Zipporah http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=265&cpage=1#comment-1967 Zipporah Tue, 18 Oct 2011 03:01:49 +0000 http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=265#comment-1967 Why is there always so much aggression in black relationships. I have been in relationships where both of us were kind to one another and neither was a door-mat. Do I feel that a lot of black women are overly agressive? The answer to that is yes! A lot of black women express themselves in the most abrassive manner towards men as well as other women. It is not uncommon for a black woman to refer to another black woman as b^&ch ect. ( Not my choice of friends but it happens). I think the ability to communicate is a learned behavior from one environment. The loud talking, foot stomping females typically come from a long line of "fire-breathers". The average black "man" will not let anyone emasculate him. Man ....is the key word. Some women will disrespect a men when they no longer see him as such. If he can't provide for his family, is weak and doesn't protect her or doesn't love her a certain way (that includes sex) some women just plain lose respect. Why is there always so much aggression in black relationships. I have been in relationships where both of us were kind to one another and neither was a door-mat. Do I feel that a lot of black women are overly agressive? The answer to that is yes! A lot of black women express themselves in the most abrassive manner towards men as well as other women. It is not uncommon for a black woman to refer to another black woman as b^&ch ect. ( Not my choice of friends but it happens). I think the ability to communicate is a learned behavior from one environment. The loud talking, foot stomping females typically come from a long line of “fire-breathers”. The average black “man” will not let anyone emasculate him. Man ….is the key word. Some women will disrespect a men when they no longer see him as such. If he can’t provide for his family, is weak and doesn’t protect her or doesn’t love her a certain way (that includes sex) some women just plain lose respect.

]]> Comment on Emasculating Women and the Men (yes you) Who Allow It by DC http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=265&cpage=1#comment-1965 DC Mon, 17 Oct 2011 23:16:28 +0000 http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=265#comment-1965 Nah, it's equal responsibility. A woman should be mature enough to regulate her behavior and emotional state. You put too much control in the hands of a man. Nah, it’s equal responsibility. A woman should be mature enough to regulate her behavior and emotional state. You put too much control in the hands of a man.

]]> Comment on Emasculating Women and the Men (yes you) Who Allow It by Sharifa http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=265&cpage=1#comment-1964 Sharifa Mon, 17 Oct 2011 22:34:25 +0000 http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=265#comment-1964 First let me say that as a strong and confident woman who loves nothing more than a man strong enough and confident enough in himself to put me in my place, I feel you to some extent. However, I couldn't help wondering: If a woman is as "good" of a woman as so many claim to be, why would she even stoop to such disrespectful antics in the first place? What part of the behavior that you described is becoming of a "good woman" at all. Irrespective of a man's actions or intentions, whether real or perceived, to me that isn't the issue here. I feel that at times some of us tend to excuse poor behavior and flat out disrespect as acceptable under the guise of strength and independence. In reality however, wouldn't the harder, stronger, and more noble choice had been to speak up, clearly and articulately express yourself, let the man know he isn't cutting it and why, then ultimately walk away the bigger person instead of using, abusing, and fulfilling every negative stereotype about Black women in the process? If this is the case, we shouldn't be mad and throw shade from the sidelines when we see that "doormat" loving another woman, god forbid a white woman, who has enough respect for herself and others not to behave in such a manner. We need to do better... First let me say that as a strong and confident woman who loves nothing more than a man strong enough and confident enough in himself to put me in my place, I feel you to some extent. However, I couldn’t help wondering: If a woman is as “good” of a woman as so many claim to be, why would she even stoop to such disrespectful antics in the first place? What part of the behavior that you described is becoming of a “good woman” at all. Irrespective of a man’s actions or intentions, whether real or perceived, to me that isn’t the issue here. I feel that at times some of us tend to excuse poor behavior and flat out disrespect as acceptable under the guise of strength and independence. In reality however, wouldn’t the harder, stronger, and more noble choice had been to speak up, clearly and articulately express yourself, let the man know he isn’t cutting it and why, then ultimately walk away the bigger person instead of using, abusing, and fulfilling every negative stereotype about Black women in the process?

If this is the case, we shouldn’t be mad and throw shade from the sidelines when we see that “doormat” loving another woman, god forbid a white woman, who has enough respect for herself and others not to behave in such a manner. We need to do better…

]]> Comment on The Impact of Casual Sex on Building Relationships by LifeIsAight http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=259&cpage=1#comment-1734 LifeIsAight Wed, 31 Aug 2011 00:29:01 +0000 http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=259#comment-1734 It has been my experience that sex clouds, if not blocks, the possibility of developing a relationship if it comes too early in the journey of building a relationship. It works better and lasts longer, and frankly means more, when there is the structure of friendship and commitment to surround and support it. The "latest trend", described in the blog, is tiresome and empty. And at this point, who has time or fortitude for that? It has been my experience that sex clouds, if not blocks, the possibility of developing a relationship if it comes too early in the journey of building a relationship. It works better and lasts longer, and frankly means more, when there is the structure of friendship and commitment to surround and support it.

The “latest trend”, described in the blog, is tiresome and empty. And at this point, who has time or fortitude for that?

]]> Comment on The Impact of Casual Sex on Building Relationships by MC http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=259&cpage=1#comment-1732 MC Tue, 30 Aug 2011 03:40:36 +0000 http://dmvblacksingles.com/datingsite/wordpress/?p=259#comment-1732 Casual sex is not synonymous with love. The potential issue is that we mistake casual sex for love, committment, and many other things. Sex is not love, but something that most people do when they love someone. You have feelings of love so you have sex. Is love and sex mutually exclusive? Depends on who you ask. Many people do not need love in order to have great sex. While I agree that casual sex can be detrimental to building a committed relationship, there are some instances where an individual is not interested in pursuing a relationship. So, if you are keenly aware from the outset that you do not want a committed relationship with this person, but sexually attracted, then go for it. Sex is what you and the individual make it. It can be less personal than a hand shake or so intimate it could make you feel a connection with a complete stranger. The problem is not with sex, but one's expectations before and after having sex. Sex does not define your relationship, but should hopefully be a consequence of a loving relationship. However, if two consenting adults decide to have a purely sexual relationship, then what's wrong with it? For example, you meet a person while vacationing in the Caribbean. It is your last night and this person lives in Europe and you reside in the United States. What is wrong with these people sleeping together (as safely as possible) and keeping it moving. Yes, casual sex has some potentially negative consequences. It will devalue sex. When you have a great sexual partner, it will be hard to go back to a mediocre or lousy sex partner even if you love the hell out of them. I firmly believe that sex loses meaning as your number of partners increase. On the one hand, it may be a bad thing, but on the other hand sex should not be the focus of a meaningful relationship anyways. Perhaps, if a sexual long term relationship is what you want, it is better to have sex with fewer people. There is not one size fits all ideology. I have no intention of marrying or dating every person I have sex with. As humans, few are people monogamous by nature. We are socialized into choosing one mate to pursue and build a family. However, in certain "primitive" cultures this was not the case. In non-stratified societies, a male and female had multiple sexual partners. If your partner became pregnant by someone else, then it would not matter. You would still raise the child as if it were your own. Judeo-Christian values teach the value of marriage and not to have sex before marriage, which makes perfect sense for most. I guess if you do not want to be married or divorced for years, then you should be celibate. In summation, each individual has a responsibility to choose how to live their life and decide what they are trying to achieve: relationship, instant gratification, marriage, etc. Sex is not the same as love. The sooner you learn the difference between the two the happier you will be. Casual sex is not synonymous with love. The potential issue is that we mistake casual sex for love, committment, and many other things.
Sex is not love, but something that most people do when they love someone. You have feelings of love so you have sex. Is love and sex mutually exclusive? Depends on who you ask. Many people do not need love in order to have great sex.

While I agree that casual sex can be detrimental to building a committed relationship, there are some instances where an individual is not interested in pursuing a relationship. So, if you are keenly aware from the outset that you do not want a committed relationship with this person, but sexually attracted, then go for it.

Sex is what you and the individual make it. It can be less personal than a hand shake or so intimate it could make you feel a connection with a complete stranger. The problem is not with sex, but one’s expectations before and after having sex. Sex does not define your relationship, but should hopefully be a consequence of a loving relationship. However, if two consenting adults decide to have a purely sexual relationship, then what’s wrong with it? For example, you meet a person while vacationing in the Caribbean. It is your last night and this person lives in Europe and you reside in the United States. What is wrong with these people sleeping together (as safely as possible) and keeping it moving.

Yes, casual sex has some potentially negative consequences. It will devalue sex. When you have a great sexual partner, it will be hard to go back to a mediocre or lousy sex partner even if you love the hell out of them. I firmly believe that sex loses meaning as your number of partners increase. On the one hand, it may be a bad thing, but on the other hand sex should not be the focus of a meaningful relationship anyways. Perhaps, if a sexual long term relationship is what you want, it is better to have sex with fewer people. There is not one size fits all ideology.

I have no intention of marrying or dating every person I have sex with. As humans, few are people monogamous by nature. We are socialized into choosing one mate to pursue and build a family. However, in certain “primitive” cultures this was not the case. In non-stratified societies, a male and female had multiple sexual partners. If your partner became pregnant by someone else, then it would not matter. You would still raise the child as if it were your own. Judeo-Christian values teach the value of marriage and not to have sex before marriage, which makes perfect sense for most. I guess if you do not want to be married or divorced for years, then you should be celibate. In summation, each individual has a responsibility to choose how to live their life and decide what they are trying to achieve: relationship, instant gratification, marriage, etc. Sex is not the same as love. The sooner you learn the difference between the two the happier you will be.

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