A member recently wrote me about a situation, he faced with someone he was dating. The story went like this:
I’ve been dating a woman for 2 months and we have been sexually active over the last couple weeks. In the beginning of the relationship, we had the talk about what we were seeking from this. I informed her that I had just gotten out of a relationship and was not ready to immediately move back into something deep but I was open to see how things progressed. She informed me she was looking to build something but she was ok with what I told her. Recently we had another talk and she indicated that she wasn’t pleased with what we were doing. She was displeased that after becoming sexually active, I am still not ready to jump into a relationship. She went further to say that since it’s doesn’t seem like we are building anything, there’s no point in us having sex anymore. She followed with “I’m not giving it up for free.” What does that mean really?
So I have to ask…What does that mean? Are women really out here giving it up thinking that the relationship will become more serious as a result? As in this case, the woman really views her sex as an asset. I guess she thought that the sex was just going to hook him. Lol. Well women, my view is that sex isn’t all that. Yes, we may like it a lot but it’s not going to be a major influence on a REAL man. A REAL man seeks deeper for things like good conversation, chemistry, career drive, and values. If he is not ready, he’s just not ready yet and that has nothing to do with you. BOYS may tell you what you want to hear just to get their rocks off but this guy did everything right. He told her up front where he was and did not send her down a path he wasn’t completely sure he could commit to.
What do you think? Is sex symbolic for relationship progression or is it just sex?
I would agree that this young man did the right thing. I do think that some of us women use sex as a tool. If you look deep into the action it works for the time being. It is in no way long lasting, it’s a quick fix. However, sex is sex it want start a relationship or keep one. As women
Comment by Ray — July 19, 2010 @ 7:46 pm
I think that in this day in time, it is just sad that women are still using “sex” as a ploy to get men to do what they want them to do. I have a couple of problems with this story. First of all, if a relationship is what this chic was looking for and sex was the game piece, then she should have opted to not have sex with him. It wasn’t as though they were sharing the same mindset in this regard from the beginning. He told her that he wasn’t looking for a relationship. However, I think that he was being manipulative by putting those tail end words that make women hear what they want to hear, “…I’m open to see how things progressed…” Who doesn’t know that these words gives a desparate woman hope when she’s looking for a relationship. He knew what she wanted but he gave her the disclaimer. This way it protects him if she looses it and goes crazy. Now I can’t blame the guy for throwing that out there because anyone that knows anything about dating know that it isn’t fair. Women set themselves up all the time, hearing and not listening to what the guy says and watching his actions. But the absence of the truth is still a lie, how about that.
Then to top it off she reneg when it has set in that she gave it up and he didn’t budge. Well that’s her fault. I’m pretty sure that she got her rocks off just as well. Ladies, if your body is that much value, why are you using it as a game piece in a invaluable game. The game is legitimate when both people are at the same place. Until he shows you what he’s made of all of that talk is just talk. It’s just words against words. You don’t reward words with deeds, duh!!! We need to stop this madness. Have sex if you want to but stop thinking that it is going to change these dudes out here. They are playing poker and you are playing monopoly. Get with the program!
Comment by Serenity_7 — July 19, 2010 @ 7:59 pm
I feel that sex is just sex. Having sex with someone no matter how good it may be is going to make a person commit to you.
Comment by llovely — July 19, 2010 @ 8:16 pm
Tons of people have been seduced by the lure of the “Law of Attraction” and its promise of manifesting into something deeper. We strike up a conversation with someone we’ve never met before, & whether you admit it to yourself or not, after 2 minutes or so, you know: You’re attracted to him/her or you’re not.
Women will always say, “I understand you aren’t looking for anything more than sex,” but what they are really saying is… after having sex over and over… you will certainly want more… something deeper… and when more never comes… it’s a disappointment.
All relationships lead to one thing or another… when a woman has sex it’s not a tool to “hook a man” it’s a way to express a connection they hope to deepen… even if the man says up front… i only want sex.
This is a topic many books have been written on… and if men just wanted to have sex and not deepen a relationship – they would only have sex with the same woman once and call it a day… move on to the next… but when you offer meeting after meeting… that implies more of an interest than just reaching orgasm. That, you could do by yourself.
Sex is just sex unless you imply otherwise by continuing just a “sexual” relationship.
Comment by just4u — July 19, 2010 @ 10:12 pm
Whenever a man says “let’s have fun and maybe see where it goes,” that ends any thought of romantic involvement for me. If you want to be friends with me great but I don’t have sex with my friends. I’ve noticed that is the new angle men take to try to mess with a woman’s head. Don’t be fooled ladies. Sex is great and no strings attached sex is great too. Maybe seeing where it goes is a string though and only a “male” who is lying to himself can see it as anything else.
Comment by Denise — July 20, 2010 @ 12:39 am
I think he did do the right thing by telling her upfront where he stood. She as a female should have respected herself more to know that if she wanted a relationship, she shouldve waited. Personally, I think sex outside of marriage is just sex. For married folks, it’s symbolic. This day and age, people have lost that value and often find themselves left as babymoms or babydads or jumpoffs and get upset. No honey, you put the goods out there before time was right and now you’re upset. Have respect for yourselves and don’t get upset when he doesn’t do what u want him to. You gave it to him way to easy and that’s no one else’s fault but your own.
Comment by Waiting — July 20, 2010 @ 8:18 am
I think both parties are a little at fault here. The guy was honest in what he did and didn’t want, but he threw out a little “desperate woman” bait. The woman only heard what she wanted to hear or thought she could change his mind once she had sex with him. Sometimes, in a desire to be with someone so badly, women ignore what these guys are saying or simply don’t listen.
I think that sex IS an asset that should be shared with someone special. I don’t, however, feel that you’ll BECOME special just because you had sex. It has to be a by product of the relationship (if you will), not a catalyst to a relationship. Quite frankly, I think that if you’re trying to BUILD a relationship w/ someone, sex is the quickest way to kill it. Sometimes, things become more about the sex and you spend less time talking and getting to know each other.
Serenity_7 made a great point. If she’s looking for a relationship, then DON’T have sex w/ the guy. If he continues to hang out w/ you, then you know it’s because he enjoys your company and spending time with you. Not just having sex.
Comment by Christina — July 20, 2010 @ 2:44 pm
ummmm…..we all know that for the most part women equate sex with love or another deep emotion. It is difficult for women to have “meaningless sex” two people can not perform the sexual actions (repeatedly) and not feel anything. Sex is an asset for women just as it is for men. Men throw around the “D” like women with the “P.”
Indeed I think it is unfair to do things that mimick a relationship but then claim you are not in one. If you don’t want to be in a relationship then somethings you should just stay away from.
Either you establish that all we’re gonna do is be cutty buddies…..and then that’s all we do…no conversation about current events, politics, religion, what’s going on in my life or yours……we cut and someone leaves, no cuddling or post cut convo….just get dressed and go.
OR
you establish that we are going to “date” and go out to dinner and a movie, spend quality time together so that we can explore each other, and we don’t have sex…..you don’t need to have sex with me to get to know who I am.
Comment by Alewis — July 20, 2010 @ 3:02 pm
Its really breaks my heart to see so many Women deceived into thinking that sex is a relationship. A women must learn who she is and what she is called to do. Your goodies are a treasure…. Purity is the key to sucess! God has given Men the ability to dominate and rule the earth, so when looking for a potential help meat recognize that if this man has no vision from God nor a purpose it may not get anywhere and then you (WOMEN) have given up the most important aspect your TREASURE…. There is power in patiently waiting, it will weed out the lies and deception. Guard Your Heart!!!
Comment by Giselle — July 21, 2010 @ 8:10 pm