The other day I found myself looking back on all of my past dating experiences over 2009 and trying to reflect on what exactly went wrong (because trust me, something definitely went wrong). I mean why else would I be just as frustrated and fed up with dating in 2009 as I was in 2008. I mean, I guess I could do what many of us do and keep bringing our same old dating habits into the New Year and then wonder each year why we’re in the same unfulfilling situation that we were in the year before, right? I really did think about the whole Apathetic, “Who Cares, I’m going to continue to do me” approach, but I must admit, the whole sex and the city “single till your wrinkled look” isn’t exactly what I’m aiming for in 2010. (However, to all of you aspiring Samantha’s and Flava Flaves of the world—no offense intended). So, after several nights of intense thought, I was able to identify the THREE LAMES that I resolve to eliminate in 2010. Your feedback on any of these would be much appreciated.
THE ORGASM (Wasted 5 months of my time in 2009)
Now, we’ve all had one of these. This offender usually has an incredible sex game but not a damn thing in common with you. In fact, he/she may not even be capable of having a conversation to even figure out what you have in common in the first place. And after several frustrating attempts at having a normal conversation, you find yourself undressed, in his/her bed forgetting exactly what made you frustrated in the first place. And if your me, your not only forgetting what made you frustrated, but your also cooking and cleaning this offenders house and secretly fantasizing about having that type of sex, every day for the rest of your life (and yes I’m talking about marriage—it was that good). Now don’t get me wrong, I owe A LOT of orgasms to this offender. Correction, I owe A LOT of mindblowing orgasms to this offender, but simply put, his presence in 2009 caused me to waste 6 months of my year. Was it worth it?
THE TROPHY (This offender came in second place for wasting 4 months of my year)
Do u ever realize that the sexier the date—the bigger the headache? Why is that? Well, the truth is that we’re just willing to tolerate more from the trophy. (Most men, should be able to relate to this one). I mean, let an average looking date cancel plans and you will be all over them as if they committed murder. You may even cut them off. But, let the trophy make the same mistake, and all of a sudden “its okay babe, I know you have a lot going on.” Last year, I dated the sexiest, yet flakiest man that I have in my entire life, but I kept him around for the simple fact that he was eye candy. And, I have nothing but a photo and massive headaches to show for it.
GOOD ON PAPER (Last place for wasting 3 months of last year)
Now this is the “take home to the parents,” intelligent, good job, well-spoken, charismatic and sweet offender. Sounds good so far right? The problem is that there was absolutely was not and usually isn’t ANY chemistry. And I knew it from the first date, but I kept lying to myself and wasting my time trying to convince myself that there was or that it would “just take time.” I wanted it so bad to work, so bad that I wasted 3 month lying to myself. And it never dawned upon me that just because someone seems all right, doesn’t mean that their right for me.
I can empathize with you concerning the last 2, but can only sympathize concerning the 1st one. The Trophy in my opinion takes you out of character because I think it is very idealist for one to have a good looking mate on one’s arm. You kind of get tired of the “he’s okay” or “she’s okay” looking type of individual and desire to have someone that looks great by your side. I think my mistake though is that I lost a sense of self when dealing with this individual in the past and allowed myself to become a doormat as opposed to not tolerating unwarranted behavior. Now #3 does look good on paper, but you do need more than the paper glory. We deserve it. There has to be something that causes you to do more than ‘write home to momma’ about him/her. I’ve had this person too, but there was no spark because the person never came down to earth. I need balance and so just like any other great resume, the individual has to show more than just educational credentials. I need layers, don’t you? Cultural exchanges, interests…
Comment by AC — January 5, 2010 @ 7:05 pm
This is classic!! I can relate to # 1 and # 3. #1’s are hard to let go off but in the end you must. I have a # 3 that I was “trying” to like but he is killing it with the consistent inconsistency (feel me!?!) So it finally dawned on me one day while I was talking to my friend I blurted out “doesn’t he know that I am TRYING to like him and he’s effing up?!” The absurdity the statement made me pause– I am TRYING to like someone!?! C’mon son! Thats not fair to anyone involved. I can’t make him my Mr. Right no matter how good he presents on paper. It’s not a matter of being too selective/high post etc, its chemistry..plain & simple. When you got it, you got it, and you rock on. But if you don’t, chances are you won’t so move on! Happy New Year!
Comment by Cam — January 5, 2010 @ 11:33 pm
I don’t want to come across as the party spoiler. But honestly how any dating singles dated one of each of these persons male or female??? Personally I would not catergorise anybody male or female. Let’s really be real we have all been the culprit listed. You have been somebody’s trophy, somebody’s ORGASM, somebody good on paper in one form or another. I think it is simple to put people in stereotypical box of today’s dating trends and expect to find anyone.
I recently had this same debate with a group of my female professional friends. They were on their lames kicks. “Girl year after year, date after date, man after man, these “niggas” ain’t about nothing degree or no degree. I let them finish and simple said, “Stop dating niggas and date a black man.” The table got completely quite. One lady for the first time was like “I never look at it like that.” She admitted she wanted what she always wanted. She was subconsciously torn. All of a sudden her Master’s degree and her GED in dating patterns didn’t match. “Year after year, date after date, man after man, these “niggas” ain’t about nothing.” Her dating patterns weren’t about a thing. That was her problem. I went on to say that most women professional non date like exactly like today’s men. That’s the problem. A man may have two or three women of interest he is dating and active with. Today’s woman may have the exactly thing to fill “Her needs” until she finds what she wants. All of a sudden that conversation from 2007, 2008, 2009, and going into the same box of empty resolutions don’t change. Her in lies the PROBLEMS women talking to other women and sharing the same hardship is not a SOLUTIONS, it like to crackheads talking about quitting drugs. Talk to men in positive active conversations to re-create and mend BLACK LOVE and DATING….because it is in distress. And we men need to talk to you…
Comment by Pharaoh — January 10, 2010 @ 6:30 pm
The issue and solution lies in somethng old fashioned but ignored. Accountability and character. Rather than be upfront with a person telling them what you desire (you don’t have to go into great detail) and being open minded, what happens is that we enter into these relationships (because thats what they are despite what we delude ourselves into thinking they are relationships, but we somehow think duration equals arelationship they don’t) with a cookie cutter mold and when that person does not fit into the mold then that person is wrong, is not the one, there is something wrong with the person. When in actuality the person never should have been in the equation and if they were in the equation and it changed and issues ensued its because there was no clear cut goal. No objective, it was dating to date, just meandering around. Men follow women, and in this generation in particular we have sisters who want 10 (on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the best and 1 the least) when they are more 1,2,3,4,5 themselves. In other words there character, ambition and needs were one thing but reality said another and when reality and fantasy collide the partner suffers. Then we hear the phrases “he/she is not the one”. Look internally and find your wn answers, stop living everything according to what other deign as attractive and realize there are great brothers/sisters out here but without defining who you are no one will measure up to your fantasy standards.
Comment by K.A. — January 19, 2010 @ 2:24 pm
That’s What’s Up! We gotta have those 2010 Standards. Life is too short and Love is too amazing for us to be “tricking” away the precious minutes of our lives unfulfilled and unhappy.
Holding on to people that we are not happy with is a disservice to them. Who really wants to be in a relationship with someone who considers a “lame” ?
In reflection, i have definitely be all three to some woman and it hurt like hell to discover she viewed me like that.
My lean is this: let me go so we both can roll out and get what we are campaigning for! I want to be adored and admired for the man that I am and am moving towards and if you not feeling me- That’s cool. Everything aint for everybody. I wish you the best on your journey. There’s a lot of dignity in that posture.
Comment by Megablast — January 28, 2010 @ 12:25 pm
I am great in bed good looking and have a job, and I am still on this site…
Comment by Willz — February 5, 2010 @ 11:02 am