IF YOU HAVE NOT VIEWED THIS, THEN PLEASE STOP READING AND VIEW THE VIDEO BEFORE CONTINUING.
For females who viewed this video, you probably had a moment of sheer uneasiness, fear, and perhaps self reflection. Like myself and many others, you likely found yourself asking, “wow, could this be me?” And for the men who viewed this video… well, you probably just found yourself asking “Damn they’re fine, how come they’re single?” I found myself asking both.
So, why is it that these 4 successful, attractive black women are single? I mean, yes, I heard the narrator. There 1.8 more black women then there are black men. Blah, blah….then when you eliminate those black men without a diploma, without a job, and who are not incarcerated—there are only 54% left. But does that answer the question?
I’m not so sure it does. If there is a shortage of black men, I definitely don’t feel it living in a city like Washington DC. Take a walk down U street, stroll through neighborhoods like Bowie and Laurel or go to any urban venue—black men are there, so why are we not with them?
Is it what Steve Harvey suggests? That women have a habit of creating unrealistic lists and writing off men that don’t meet 31 out of their 40 criteria? Or is it as the women in the video state– that because black men vastly outnumber black women, they rather have many women in rotation than to settle down with one.
I can’t say for sure which option it is. However, I can tell you that I have been both a victim and an offender. I have sometimes found myself creating virtual lists for the men I date without even realizing it. And as I engage in conversation with them, I create virtual checks or minuses in my mind to determine whether or not this can be a real prospect. Above 6’0. Check. Own place. Check. Degree. Check. However, I have also found that even when men have met my criteria, several are not willing to settle down.
I guess what I’m asking is: What do you think?
To me its closer to what Steve Harvey has stated. I meet sisters who knock me out of contention of being with them because of some checklist that they have assembled that does not reflect society. Yes there are more black women then black men but that statement tells you two things. Why are most of them going after the same type of man? We hear constantly how they just want a good man, well there are good brothers out here, great brothers out here, who are single, and all they want is honesty.
We are more educated, more advanced than at any point in history but yet we lack morals and things that are traits of good character. I cannot tell you how many sisters I have personally met here in the DC/MD/VA area who begin and end conversations with where they work, what they do, who they know, where they vacation, what they own (in subtle manners), who they hang out with, where they party. And yet they never tell you who they are, they are so used to playing the role that this is what they expect. They speak as if they want the storybook husband the guy who will do his all for them and hopefully a family but when confronted with the reality, the checklist comes into play. The minus factor emerges, and they can highlight every deficit of the guy but not of themselves. You cannot disagree with them, you must enjoy ALL THE SAME THINGS, well if thats true maybe they should go to a scientist and get cloned and date themselves. My point is there are more black women than black men but quality is quality, I am not saying lower standards, but what I am saying is have realistic standards.
Comment by Andrew — January 29, 2010 @ 5:10 am
I can appreciate your thoughtfulness and willingness to question the narrative around Black women. There are several myths and implications that surround the “Where Are All The Good Black Men” narrative that have to be exposed if we are to arrive at somewhere close to reality.
Most Black Women Have College Degrees and Good Jobs: Fact is sistas with degrees are a very small, but vocal minority. The rest of us don’t have college degrees. And YES!! This was the case back in the day during segregation. Most Black women are employment in the public service sector meaning working for the local or federal government agencies (this is particularly true in DC), non-profits and if its a private industry its in the service sector. Given the income disparity between Black folk and White folk, sistas can hardly say they are ballin and rolling in money.
Source: http://www.jbhe.com/features/50_blackstudent_gradrates.html
To all the sistas thinking “that’s not me!” But again, my point is your experience is not the experience of the vast majority of Black women.
Myth: There are more Black men in prison than in college. Though African-Americans represent a disproportionate amount of the US prison population, it is a myth that there are more Black men in jail than in college. Moreover, the US has the highest prison population in the world though we are not the most populous nation in the world and over the last decade there has been a steady decline in violent crimes.
Source: http://www.skepticism.net/?p=18
Myth: A significant portion of Black men are gay or on the down low. According to the Gay Rights advocates, only 2.8 of the US male population is gay. Black folk only make up 12.5 % of the total US Population
Source: http://www.adherents.com/adh_dem.html
Myth: Black men are not graduating from high school. Well, this is also true of African-American women. A little over half of us graduate high school. Sisters have higher graduation rates but only by 8%.
Source:ftp.iza.org/dp3216.pdf
Myth: Black men don’t have jobs. This is an insidious myth because it doesn’t talk about why Black men are largely unemployment. It infers that Black men don’t want jobs. It plays into racist notions that Black men are lazy. Don’t believe the hype. And please don’t insult brothers with “Mc Donald’s hiring.” You might as well don a white sheet and tell us “To go back to Africa.”
Some days, I really question if Black women love us. All the things were accused of not having or not doing applies to African American women whether its not having a degree, gainful employment, or been in prison. Yet we get blasted from White American and our sisters!! t!
Who is the face of urban decay aka the projects? Its a welfare receiving, three baby-daddy having, foul-mouthed sister who leaves her children at home unattended, dressed like a prostitute headed to the club with pack of sister just like her.
How many sisters are overweight and obese? u aint thick… we made that up for you to feel good about yourself..
How many sisters are secretly saddled with debt from all of your degrees and impulsive shopping? You really need a man with a job because you really not independent, you one check away from living with your momma too!!
How many sisters got a different baby daddy for every child she got? What happened to chastity and virtue in sisters? Remember the Moynihan Report? White folks blame you all for being too bossy, too controlling and too masculine which drove brothers away and destroyedthe Black family. So brothers could rightly argue that SISTERS are the source of their own problems.
Source: http://www.blackpast.org/?q=primary/moynihan-report-1965
See brothers can go there, too. Some of us choose not to… why? Because we love our sisters and what to protect you all from the ugly truth.
Du Bois is rolling over in his grave. We “the talented tenth” of our people are supposed to use our genius and brilliance for the upliftment of our people not wasting words and brainpower not tearing each other down. We need to be posing solutions.
With Love
Comment by Megablast — January 29, 2010 @ 10:35 pm
realistic standards or not….it is still ridiculously difficult….In fact as I stroll down U st etc. I see that many of these fine black men are GAY…so we have to compete with men now as well….
Comment by jnb — January 30, 2010 @ 12:00 am
I feel I can agree 120% with everything in this blog…. now being presented with those statistics, it’s even more real…
many of us do have lists.. which I feel like we are constantly re-doing ….I’ve been told, it’s about establishing your ‘core’ needs… and having more of an 80/20 take on things…because we’re never going to find 100%….
we also need to look @ ourselves… are we 100%, more than likely not..
this left me thinking of everyone I’ve turned away due to lack of chemistry or what have you… should i have to try to like someone who meets all my core needs, who I wasn’t initially attracted to? Is this considered settling? Settling represents a failure of both imagination and confidence, it marks an essential disregard for others and for ourselves………
Comment by Ashlynn — January 30, 2010 @ 12:10 pm
I don’t think standards can ever be too high. Its outrageous expectations that lower the pool of Black men who “meet the criteria.”For example, wanting to be with a man who has a college degree is a standard. Wanting a man who has a Ph.D. and a three figure income and will spend all of said income on you is an outrageous expectation. The pickings are also kinda slim depending on what age range you’re in. I’m 24 and ready to settle down into a nice little relationship with the goal being marriage. I’m sure most women who are in my position now, or have been in the past will agree, that based on my standards, the numbers aren’t looking well. But I’m not giving up on my brothers! I’m a firm believer that nothing makes life sweeter than that of a beautiful, strong, ashy Black man…taco meat peeking out the shirt and all!
Comment by Nic — January 30, 2010 @ 5:35 pm
I agree. I dont think that having a checklist is wrong. If the checklist is 10 pages long, then that is a problem..we all have standards and we should stick to them. Why settle for someone that will make you unhappy. I would rather be single then settle. I also agree that most men that are available have been hurt in previous relationships by women and then when they come around to us, they are not fully healed and not ready to settle down or make a committment. Therefore, they sleep around and have many women on the side. I like how one author put it..”men don’t heal, they Ho!”..lol.
Comment by Tiffany — February 19, 2010 @ 12:30 pm
When I moved from Detroit to this area, I was quickly made aware of how difficult the dating scene was in this area. I was shocked and very disappointed. It quickly seemed that I had to either belong to a social society or as of now find myself on a website. I still wonder what ever happened to the “chance” meetings at a gas station, mall, or shoot a grocery store? I felt like I moved to an area where all the men were in hiding or with someone. I moved to Columbia MD when I first got here and that was an interesting dynamic. I immediatedly noticed an increase of interracial relationships here compared to the segregated city of Detroit, where blacks are clearly the majority. So I wondered if that were the reason, but then I started hearing my cousin say that I had to go to the places where the men are. Her and her team of friends would go to various happy hours and find themselves in a male hotspot. That wasn’t my scene either.
So then I wondered was it because I was unwilling to put in the work to sound the alarm or light a flare or wear a sign that I was a single black female seeking companionship from a male? But that wasn’t and isn’t the case. I do want a relationship, but I am unwilling to compromise who I am as a woman to find a man. Happy hours are great for those who like to eat, socialiaze and drink. I’ve been to some that weren’t that bad, but spendin 2-3 nights at happy hour doesn’t fit my lifestyle. It goes beyond me not drinking, but it’s not me.
Which brings me to my point…I am now in a position where I see and meet black men. Here’s the issue that I have found interesting…since the roles have shifted with the times as to who approaches who…most men and women throw out subtle hints of interest expecting the other person to take the bait and with both waiting, no one responds.
Another issue I found was that women in my profession do have unrealistic lists. For me…I don’t mind if my man works in a factory. See that simple facts stems from how I grew up. My stepdad was a factory worker and was the sole provider of the house without a degree and we never wanted for anything. So a man that doesn’t have a degree doesn’t make me turn up nose. My standard is that the man is a hard integral worker.
I’m inclined to believe that some DMV professional women secretly feel the same but are afraid of what their girls would say if they brought this man into their lives.
Lastly, as far as being single is concerned, while it is not always my cup of tea, I’ve found that in my singleness I have found out who I am and have identified 5 essential needs in my relationships. My superficial needs have taken a backseat to my essential ones.
As far as not being approached, no one really has the answer. Intimidation, fear, assumption, superficial ideas…all of these can fit the bill
Comment by AC — February 27, 2010 @ 6:43 am
I would dare say that most black women don’t have standards, that is why they are with men that beat on them, men that make lots of babies and have to be made to pay for them, men that are not employed ….. I am speaking of black men in general that I have come across. These none motivated brothers are the vocal, game players, but are FINE, so yeah they get our attention until we have to start putting up with the drama. I say the standards are specific to each person and can be generalized some, but not a lot. I think a man that is looking to date should be employed, should be driving (something other than Metro) and have a stable place to live to start off. I think in general that men are becoming lazy and are looking to use “women’s lib” as an excuse to get females to take care of them and to put black women in the “she has standards that are too high” category.
Why do I have to go to a club to meet a man and eventhough I meet him that does not mean that I am interested in him after we have had the chance to talk. I have lived in the DC area all my life, but I have traveled a bit for business and have found in other areas of the country men are more wiliing and looking to settle down, than in the DC area. (My opinion) DC is for the men to have a pick off all the females they want and say he is looking for “just friends”. This gives him the chance to not miss any female that shows him the smallest amount of attention. I think we females are too quick to meet one man and decide that he is “the one” and cut off all others that may be interested in us or we may be interested in while letting this man take control of the situation and our lives.
I think black men are lacking in self esteem in too many cases. They meet a black women that may have a few things going for herself and he quickly starts to think … she has to have someone …. she is not going to want me …. what do I have to add, what can I give her …. she has it all what does she need me for…. the list goes on. But they see the ghetto girl, she is showing all her goods, has not really done anything with her life, but he picks her because she is fun and is down for whatever. He does not have to work hard to get her and has to do very little to keep her.
Comment by Pharice — February 28, 2010 @ 7:47 pm