In this episode of Oprah, Will and Jada Pinkett -Smith discussed how they managed to make their relationship work for so long. What interested me most about their discussion was Will’s message to the audience that “Every relationship should have a business plan.” According to Will, relationships must be more than “I like you, you like me, so lets be together.” There has to be a larger vision consisting of what do we plan to do in the next few years, what are our goals as a partnership, what is our relationship vision?
Makes sense, right? But what does this mean for us singles?
I think Will’s message can be applied to singles and couples alike. If I’m dating someone simply to go through the motions with no goals or plans and no idea of their intentions, then any future relationship with that person is destined to fail. Here’s an example. In a past relationship of mine, I dated a guy for one year. I knew exactly what I wanted: marriage in the next 3 yrs, kids in 5, home ownership, etc. However, I never communicated this to him. Then one night, he mentioned to me that he wanted to have kids in the next two years. “Oh, so you want to get married in two years, I asked.” His response? “No, just kids.” Translation: He wanted a baby mama. It also turned out that this man had no dreams of home ownership and was completely content with renting his studio apartment long-term. I suppose the nursery would be in the kitchen. The point is, our visions were completely different. And I see this happen ALL THE TIME. So many people who are dating are afraid of being vulnerable and asking the questions “What are we doing?” “What do you want in the future?” But without asking these questions, your relationship has no vision. You are simply going through the motions and sooner or later will realize that the two of you may want completely different things.
Now if your goal is an orgasm, then this message isn’t for you. But for everyone else, you need to find out right away whether the person your dating has the same vision as you. If they don’t? Get the stepping. But if they do, then the two of you need to set out a business plan. When do you want to have kids? Do you even want to be married? Do you want to start a business together? If so, When?
“Going with the flow” was cool when we were in highschool, but as adults, we need to ask smarter questions. Well enough of what I think, what do you think?
I think it’s more than just coming up with a business plan, but instead communicating it to the other person. I also think that it is hard to just come up with your own plan and expect the both of you to follow it. Ok so it’s easy to say you want to get married, have kids and own a house, but you can’t plan the time line alone. What were your reasons for saying you wanted to get married in 3 years? Why 3 years? Why kids in 5 years? Those numbers are cool, but what’s the reason behind them. Did you ask him why he didn’t want the marriage, but wanted the kids. When you start putting timelines on things while you are single, you can’t really say that is the couple’s plan at all.
I usually ask up front within the first 2 conversations with a man what it is that he is searching for in a relationship. I also tell him what I have in mind. I want to be married one day and have kids, but it doesn’t mean with the him, but I want him to know this is something that I am looking for in my future. As I date him, I’ll take the time to learn whether or not I can see myself having those things with him or not. Many women are afraid to tell a man her wants for herself because they don’t want to scare him off. It’s not about that at all. It’s about being upfront. Believe it or not, I meet a lot of men who tell me they are looking for a wife and mother of their future kids too. We don’t discuss a timeline or we definitely don’t say I’m the one. I think you should start a relationship business plan when you are clear that marriage is in the picture for the two of you and not anytime before that.
Comment by Kandra — May 24, 2010 @ 7:47 pm