IF YOU HAVE NOT VIEWED THIS, THEN PLEASE STOP READING AND VIEW THE VIDEO BEFORE CONTINUING
Okay men… before you start agreeing with the narrator in this video clip or secretly praising him for saying what you always wanted to say to women on this issue, let’s give his opinion some background. As most of you are aware, the 90 day rule originated from Steve Harvey’s book “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man,” where Steve Harvey offers to educate women on everything and anything that they need to know about men. One piece of advice that Steve Harvey offers women is to wait 90 days before they become sexual intimate with a man that they’re dating. Yes, I said THREE ENTIRE MONTHS of sexless courtship. Unsurprisingly, this rule has caused a movement among several horny single men who vowed to convince all the temporarily celibate women out there that the rule was pure B.S. Rather these men stand firmly by the contention that how soon you give it up to a man has no bearing on how a man will view you. But is that true?
The narrator in the video clip is clearly a part of the “Early Sex” movement. He argues that if a man’s feeling you then it doesn’t matter whether you sleep with him on the first date or the 91st date. Rather, he states that if a man’s true intention is simply to sleep with you then it doesn’t matter when you sleep with him, he will dog you even on the hundredth day. The theory sounds good on paper, but I’m not sure how true it is in practice. I agree that if a man is a just trying to “get it in” then yes, how soon you give it up will have no bearing on where the relationship goes. However, I’m not sure if the theory applies to men who are truly looking for a little more. For example, let’s say a man who is open to having a committed relationship meets this insanely attractive, intelligent, and charming female—you know, the ones they sing about in music videos. And let’s say that Ms. Music video and Mr. Looking for a relationship have an amazing first date. So great that he has visions of walking her down the aisle and making her the future mother of his kids. As he pulls the car to a stop to drop Ms. Music video home, she invites him upstairs and the rest is….well you know–history. Are you telling me that this man will still view this woman as wife material? Or rather, will he now wonder how many other men she gives it to that easy?
I’m not saying that women should wait 90 days (because I know I couldn’t). But what I am saying is that if you give it up to early to a man who is open to a committed relationship, you are opening yourself up to the possibility that he will now view you as just sex. For those of you thinking, “no that’s not true,” or “why would he judge if he’d doing the same thing,” I offer you a little piece of reality: Dating is a double standard. There are certain things that men can do that we simply can’t. And while we can spend days arguing about how unfair it is, the reality of the matter is just that- it’s REALTY.
IF YOU HAVE NOT VIEWED THIS, THEN PLEASE STOP READING AND VIEW THE VIDEO BEFORE CONTINUING
By now, most of you have heard of Steve Harvey’s book, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man,” where Steve Harvey offers women much needed insight into the male mentality. According to Steve Harvey, “no matter how good you are to a man, no matter how good you are for him, until you understand what his makeup is, what drives him, what motivates him, and how he loves you…you will be vulnerable to the games he plays.” For most females who have read the book, we liken it to the “holy scripture,” our “go-to guide,” our “where have you been all of my life?” And men…well… you either hate Steve Harvey and the very ground he walks for breaking the male code of silence or you think the book is a load of crap. Regardless of your position, I think there is one topic that Steve Harvey discusses in both the youtube clip and his book that is worth discussing: The meaning of a title.
In this video, Steve Harvey suggests that men do three things when they are really into a woman: profess, provide and protect. For purposes of this blog, we will focus only on the first: profess. In short, its Steve’s position that if a man really loves you, that he will give you a title—an official one that extends far beyond “this is my friend,” or “this is _______ (insert your name here).” The idea is that if a man truly has feelings for a woman, he will claim you and if any man tries to convince you otherwise, he is just trying to keep you around until he finds a woman that is worth the title. So many times females try to make excuses for being in “relationships” going on 6 months, 1 year and even more where the man will not even claim the female as his “girl.” The excuses range from “a title means nothing,” “he considers me his girl without the title,” or my all time favorite: “he just doesn’t like labels.” Have you considered that maybe and just maybe—he’s just not that into you? Yes there is the possibility that it will take more time for his feelings to come into play, but if its been over 6, 9 or worst–12 months, then I guarantee you, he’s not claiming you for a reason. I too have been guilty of making excuses when the reality was that if a man really wanted me to be his, he would profess. Why? Because no man likes the idea of knowing that a woman who he is TRULY into is available to other men. He will want you all to himself and he will want the world to know that you are his.
Enough of what I think, what do you think? I think that an OPEN and HONEST discussion on this will give men and women a better insight into the mentality of the opposite sex.
IF YOU HAVE NOT VIEWED THIS, THEN PLEASE STOP READING AND VIEW THE VIDEO BEFORE CONTINUING.
For most of you, men and women alike, this question is all too familiar. In fact, I can almost guarantee, that at one point in time, each of you has debated this topic at some social gathering with friends—or maybe even in the context of your relationship. However, no matter how hotly debated or complex the question may first appear, I submit to you that the answer is not nearly as complex. It’s quite simple, actually. “NO.” Still not convinced? Well don’t just take my word for it– ask any single, self-respecting, educated, professional woman this question and I guarantee that you will receive nearly identical responses. Okay…so I’m still sensing a little resistance here. Let’s do this. Just to make sure we are all on the same page, let’s define the term “nice guy.”
As the video phenomenally points out, there is a common misperception that nice guys finish last. And because of this, men are making an effort to go out their way not to be that guy to females. However, this misperception is just that—a misperception. Women LOVE gentlemen. Just ask any female. A man who makes a woman feel loved, protected and cared for is sure to finish first. Find me a man who is respectful, considerate and does everything in his power to show me that I am appreciated and I’ll show you 101 women fighting to have him. However, nice does not equal pushover and oftentimes the two are equated. While women do love a “nice guy,” we do not like men who are clingy and overeager. The key word in gentleman is MAN. Females want a nice guy with enough confidence in himself to not need us to define himself. We want a respectful man, but one who is strong enough to make decisions. And yes, we may give you a little resistance at first, but at the end of the day, we are turned on.
When people ask me why I am so attracted to black men—it is just that. I think that black men have mastered the art of being the nice guy without being the doormat. Yes, they will open the door, carry bags, help me when I need assistance, tell me how they feel, but when I get out of line (and trust me, I will), I can always count on them to stand their ground and have a backbone. Are there exceptions to every rule? Of course! But, it is the rule, not the exception, that is the subject of this blog.
Every so often, we feature a guest blog from one of our users. The following blog was posted by user Flyness. If anyone else is interested in posting a future blog, please email msjackson@nycblacksingles.com.
LADIES
1. Ruining the season for others. Just because you’re not a fan of the holiday does not mean you have the right to be a “Stick in the mud” for others. This includes angry Anti-Valentine’s Day “Tweets” on Twitter! This is especially true for your friends. If your girlfriend has a man, do not make her feel guilty about the holiday. If she is truly your friend, let her be happy with her man and find another way to enjoy the day.
2. Moping around. To my single ladies- I know it’s probably not easy to keep a smile, with constant reminders of “how single you are” being shoved into your face. Yet, the worst thing you can do is sit around the house and “mope”. Realize there are hundreds of thousands of single women in the Tri-State area alone. Spend this day with friends at the movies, the museum, or even at a singles’ party. There are plenty of singles’ events during this time of year. � 3. “Forcing” Love. It is very easy to get caught in the hype of Valentine’s Day by spending the month of February trying to “lock a man down.” While you should remain receptive to qualified men, it is another thing entirely to project your desires onto an undeserving man. Don’t let the pressure of finding love lead you down the road of chasing mediocre and sub-par men. It is far better to be a woman with no man than a woman with a “half-assed” man.
4. Expecting the world (and more) from your significant other.
|Women with “Significant Others” are not off the hook either. It is almost impossible not to compare your V-Day gift from your man to the next woman’s gift. However, in these recessionary times, a lot of guys have to scale back a bit on the financial side. That means you should scale back on your expectations from a monetary standpoint. This year, pay more attention to the thought put into your Valentine’s Day gift, rather than the price tag.
5. Thinking you don’t owe him anything. It is no secret that women typically reap a majority of the benefits associated with Valentine’s Day. However, do not forget to show your man some appreciation…or another woman will! This could be as simple as taking him out to eat, or better yet, a surprise massage using a wooden massager from the Bath and Body store. In fact, anything having to do with Food, Sex or Serenity are generally good gifts for your mate.
FELLAS
1. Showing INITIAL interest by getting her Chocolate or Flowers.
(This is OKAY if she’s already your girl) Yes, many women will LOVE this, but it will NOT necessarily help your prospects with her! Save your cash.
2. Doing the regular, mundane activities.
|Instead of a simple box of chocolates or a dozen roses, aim to do something creative that involves thought. You do not need to break the bank. How about giving your lady a sponge bath after preparing a meal over candlelight? How about a road trip out of state to a cabin? How about buying rose petals (fake or real) and have her come home to a “rose pathway” leading to the bed with massage oil nearby with music playing in the background? For you recessionally challenged guys, write her a poem or note about how much she means to you. Frame it. Total cost=$1 if you get the frame at the dollar store! Add some spice to your Valentine’s Day!
3. Getting too caught up in the moment. Many guys run out of ideas and decide to “throw in the towel”, by proposing to her without giving marriage any real thought. Other guys will say “I love you” to a jump-off because it “feels right at the time.” Stay practical, fellas!
4. Spending a significant amount of money, if it’s not serious! Piggybacking off number 3, make certain that you do not spend more than a couple of bucks on her (if ANYTHING), if she’s only a Saturday Night bootycall. If you start spending money on her, she may begin to think you are developing feelings. If the feelings are not returned, she may accept the gifts, but may lose respect for you.
5. Breaking up with her to avoid giving her a gift! If you’re considering doing this, then chances are this was only a jump off that you never had genuine interest in. We know times are rough, but breaking up with a female around this time of year is SUICIDE….and it might JUST lead to homicide!
IF YOU HAVE NOT VIEWED THIS, THEN PLEASE STOP READING AND VIEW THE VIDEO BEFORE CONTINUING.
For females who viewed this video, you probably had a moment of sheer uneasiness, fear, and perhaps self reflection. Like myself and many others, you likely found yourself asking, “wow, could this be me?” And for the men who viewed this video… well, you probably just found yourself asking “Damn they’re fine, how come they’re single?” I found myself asking both.
So, why is it that these 4 successful, attractive black women are single? I mean, yes, I heard the narrator. There 1.8 more black women then there are black men. Blah, blah….then when you eliminate those black men without a diploma, without a job, and who are not incarcerated—there are only 54% left. But does that answer the question?
I’m not so sure it does. If there is a shortage of black men, I definitely don’t feel it living in a city like Washington DC. Take a walk down U street, stroll through neighborhoods like Bowie and Laurel or go to any urban venue—black men are there, so why are we not with them?
Is it what Steve Harvey suggests? That women have a habit of creating unrealistic lists and writing off men that don’t meet 31 out of their 40 criteria? Or is it as the women in the video state– that because black men vastly outnumber black women, they rather have many women in rotation than to settle down with one.
I can’t say for sure which option it is. However, I can tell you that I have been both a victim and an offender. I have sometimes found myself creating virtual lists for the men I date without even realizing it. And as I engage in conversation with them, I create virtual checks or minuses in my mind to determine whether or not this can be a real prospect. Above 6’0. Check. Own place. Check. Degree. Check. However, I have also found that even when men have met my criteria, several are not willing to settle down.
The other day I found myself looking back on all of my past dating experiences over 2009 and trying to reflect on what exactly went wrong (because trust me, something definitely went wrong). I mean why else would I be just as frustrated and fed up with dating in 2009 as I was in 2008. I mean, I guess I could do what many of us do and keep bringing our same old dating habits into the New Year and then wonder each year why we’re in the same unfulfilling situation that we were in the year before, right? I really did think about the whole Apathetic, “Who Cares, I’m going to continue to do me” approach, but I must admit, the whole sex and the city “single till your wrinkled look” isn’t exactly what I’m aiming for in 2010. (However, to all of you aspiring Samantha’s and Flava Flaves of the world—no offense intended). So, after several nights of intense thought, I was able to identify the THREE LAMES that I resolve to eliminate in 2010. Your feedback on any of these would be much appreciated.
THE ORGASM (Wasted 5 months of my time in 2009)
Now, we’ve all had one of these. This offender usually has an incredible sex game but not a damn thing in common with you. In fact, he/she may not even be capable of having a conversation to even figure out what you have in common in the first place. And after several frustrating attempts at having a normal conversation, you find yourself undressed, in his/her bed forgetting exactly what made you frustrated in the first place. And if your me, your not only forgetting what made you frustrated, but your also cooking and cleaning this offenders house and secretly fantasizing about having that type of sex, every day for the rest of your life (and yes I’m talking about marriage—it was that good). Now don’t get me wrong, I owe A LOT of orgasms to this offender. Correction, I owe A LOT of mindblowing orgasms to this offender, but simply put, his presence in 2009 caused me to waste 6 months of my year. Was it worth it?
THE TROPHY (This offender came in second place for wasting 4 months of my year)
Do u ever realize that the sexier the date—the bigger the headache? Why is that? Well, the truth is that we’re just willing to tolerate more from the trophy. (Most men, should be able to relate to this one). I mean, let an average looking date cancel plans and you will be all over them as if they committed murder. You may even cut them off. But, let the trophy make the same mistake, and all of a sudden “its okay babe, I know you have a lot going on.” Last year, I dated the sexiest, yet flakiest man that I have in my entire life, but I kept him around for the simple fact that he was eye candy. And, I have nothing but a photo and massive headaches to show for it.
GOOD ON PAPER (Last place for wasting 3 months of last year)
Now this is the “take home to the parents,” intelligent, good job, well-spoken, charismatic and sweet offender. Sounds good so far right? The problem is that there was absolutely was not and usually isn’t ANY chemistry. And I knew it from the first date, but I kept lying to myself and wasting my time trying to convince myself that there was or that it would “just take time.” I wanted it so bad to work, so bad that I wasted 3 month lying to myself. And it never dawned upon me that just because someone seems all right, doesn’t mean that their right for me.
PLEASE VIEW THIS VIDEO BEFORE CONTINUING.
So…about a few months ago, I was telling one of my close friends about an issue that I was facing with a man that I was dating (and yes we all tell our girls our business, so get over it). I was telling her how pissed I was because at the end of our argument, he told me “sometimes I need to just shut up and let a man be a man.” Of course, what he really meant was that as a female, I need to back down and be submissive sometimes, while as a man, he should have the last word. After I finished going off, and complained to my friend that he was still living in the 1920’s, my friend kindly forwarded me this video.
For those of you who have viewed the clip, her message is simple. Women need to “Step back and let your man lead and be a man.” Women need to embrace the traditional roles of womanhood in a relationship—taking care of the home, cooking, taking care of children, loving and uplifting our men. She also kindly suggests that men aren’t off the hook and their traditional roles are to “protect, provide, conquer and provide a home for women to nurture.”
I would completely feel the message of the clip, except for one thing…Its 2009! Traditional roles just don’t make sense in our times. Women are not in the workforce working the same 9-5 that men do. What these traditional roles do is give women all of the work and men all of the benefit. I mean think about it, in the 1920’s, women could do all that stuff…why? Because they sat their behinds at home all day watching their 1900s soap operas. But now, it just doesn’t make sense. You mean I have to work the same 9-5 you do and in addition, be a cook, a chef, a personal maid and a mute? While the man does what exactly? Oh yeah, conquer, protect and provide…. Let’s discuss each of these, just so that I’m clear.
1. Conquer- Its 2009, what exactly are you conquering? The remote?!
2. Protect- Maybe this was more relevant when we lived in the wilderness with lions, tigers and bears, but not now. I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but I haven’t exactly been in the need of protection so far.
3. Provide- Wait, aren’t we both doing this?
So, I guess my point is…this traditional submission idea, simply doesn’t have its place in the 21st century. It gives us all of the burden of being in a relationship and none of the benefits. What do you think?
So…Many of you have already viewed my initial blog titled “The Black Women: Truth or Ignorance,” where you listened to a Black Man air his stereotypical generalizations of Black Women. I personally could not see past his victimization of Black Men and his villinazition of Black Women. A lot of you, however, could and requested that I post part 1 and part 3 of his series so that everyone can get a full picture. Having now viewed all three videos, I cannot say that my opinion has changed. Are there a few good points spattered throughout the video? Absolutely. However, the man is convinced to counter every valid point with an equally, if not more ignorant one. Among his ignorant rants, he states that black women abandoned black men during slavery and the civil rights movement. DID YOU SEE WHAT I JUST WROTE? I mean really listen to this man. Dont get wrapped up in his occassional motivational speaking, or your personal experiences of being told “your just too nice.” In all three videos, self-blame is not only lacking, but not surprisingly, he shamlessly shifts it to black women. So, as much as I hate to further publicize any more of this man, without further ado…
If you have not viewed this video before reading this blog, please stop reading and IMMEDIATELY view the video before proceeding. I promise you, you won’t regret it.
If you have viewed the video, then the same one word is probably running through all of your minds: Disgust, Ignorance, Hypocrit, Self-Hate, Uncle Tom, Racist… Oops, did I say one word? Forgive me for thinking out loud.
In all seriousness, it is hard to see who this man hates more: black women or black men (i.e. himself). Before any of you men start chanting your revolutionary’s “He’s right,” or “Black Women do it to themselves,” just hold on and hear me out. Although it appears that this narrator is attacking black women, listen closely to what he says. For example, during his angry black man tyrade, the narrator says the following: “Whose been raising these no good black men?”; “Who chooses these losers?”; “Most black children are raised in single parent households.” Imbedded in his criticism of black women is the belief that most black men are no good. Think about it. Who is missing from these single parent households? It surely is not the black woman. And if these no good black men are being raised incorrectly, could it be that it is the absence of a black father figure that contributes to their improper upbringing? Don’t get me wrong, by no means am I saying it’s one person’s fault over another. I’m simply pointing out the absolute ignorance in this man’s logic.
Do black women make bad dating decisions? Absolutely. However, this problem isn’t peculiar to black women. I have several white friends who are with absolute losers. Contrary to what this narrator believes, there are an equal amount of white women with no good men. Black OR White. Can we say Brittany Spears? Kobe Bryant’s wife? Silda Spitzer? So where does that leave us? It’s quite simple actually: 1)This is clearly a deeply scorned lame black man who has been rejected by SEVERAL black women and is now lashing out, and 2) Ladies, don’t date the same type of man and expect different results.
The other day I found myself looking back on all of my past dating experiences over 2009 and trying to reflect on what exactly went wrong (because trust me, something definitely went wrong). I mean why else would I be just as frustrated and fed up with dating in 2009 as I was in 2008. I mean, I guess I could do what many of us do and keep bringing our same old dating habits into the New Year and then wonder each year why we’re in the same unfulfilling situation that we were in the year before, right? I really did think about the whole Apathetic, “Who Cares, I’m going to continue to do me” approach, but I must admit, the whole sex and the city “single till your wrinkled look” isn’t exactly what I’m aiming for in 2010. (However, to all of you aspiring Samantha’s and Flava Flaves of the world—no offense intended). So, after several nights of intense thought, I was able to identify the THREE LAMES that I resolve to eliminate in 2010. Your feedback on any of these would be much appreciated.
